So I went to see the new Sherlock Holmes movie the other day. Brought my family. I kinda liked the first one – a bit of a comeback for Guy Ritchie. But the follow-up is, as my header shouts, utter rubbish. I actually found it offensive, it was so badly conceived.

One – the characterisation of Sherlock Holmes was closer to Captain America than consulting detective.

Two – the plot was risible, or perhaps farcical. If any of you remember The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen film, this is actually a fairly faithful rip of the story, though it lacks the invention fo the former – which was disowned by Alan Moore as it was so far removed from the original graphic novel’s story line. I would imagine Sir Arthur Conan Doyle would have disowned this piece fo crap – he still might when he stops spinning in his grave.

Three – the ending was so rotten the scriptwriters should be ashamed for allowing their names to remain on the titles. Now I can’t really blame them for telegraphing the whole – it’s a tiny oxygen source that has been inserted gratuitously into the script so it must be pivotal – thing. But then to have Holmes (plot spoiler warning – if there was a plot to spoil) fall for WHAT FELT LIKE FIVE MINUTES into a raging maelstrom and reveal this  steampunk oxygen thingy as the reason for his survival? I’m sorry, even cartoons have more imagination than this kind of shit.

In mitigation my wife did enjoy Holmes’s ability to camouflage himself as furniture. I would have been slightly impressed also, except that I was reminded that this was a direct rip of LL Cool J’s character in Toys – one of the great underrated movies of the last couple of decades.